My Boss

This is a character profile on the Country's Most Awkward Boss (I say country and not world because I bet Kim Jong-Un would be an awkward boss and I would also guess there are some pretty awkward bosses in Japan. I bet Asian bosses in general are pretty awkward. Perhaps this could be Western Hemisphere's Most Awkward Boss?).

Physical Description:
   Height- 6'3
   Weight- 255.4 lbs (I know this because he partakes in the office's Biggest Loser competition and posts his current weight and weight goals on the door of his office. He has lost 14 lbs since January and gained my admiration for the first time in 15 months)
   Eyes- Bulgy. Penetrating. Stare-y. Blank. Bulgy.

General Business Day Schedule:
   Arrives- 10:30
   Leaves for Lunch- 12:10
   Returns from Lunch- 1:25
   Leaves for the Day- 4:05

Preferred Schedule:
   Scheduled Dental Appointment in the Morning (i.e. Day Off)
   Golf

Likes:
    Turkey sandwiches
    His pug
    Making people feel uncomfortable
    Villanova
    White board visual aids
    Clapping

Dislikes:
    Doing work
    Stapling things
    Opening mail
    Back flips (this is just a guess)

Awkward Tactics:
   Not Speaking When Spoken To
       Ex: "Heyyyy Anika. How's it going?"
             "Oh you know, just another Tuesday..."
             Silence. Staring with bulging, blank eyes.
             "Heh, just getting my coffee! What would I do without it, right?"
             Bulgy eyes.
              "What do you think of this coffee anyway? I'm not a big fan. People really love Keurig's, you know? But there's just something about the way the coffee tastes that isn't right. Sometimes I'd just prefer a nicely brewed pot, like the good ol' days. Anyway, there's always Starbucks!"
              More silence. (Just wait until he speaks, Anika. He's trying to get to you. MAINTAIN YOUR POSITION. Those eyes, they're so bulgy. They're staring into my soul, yet they're so.... blank. He knows my secrets. Did I put on deodorant this morning? HOLY COW JUST SAY SOMETHING AND RETREAT!)
             "Welp, back to the grindstone for me then, I guess..."
             "Alright. See ya, Anika."
 
   Asking What My Dad Thinks
        Ex: My Annual Review
             "So, that's why I think a team building workshop, preferably a ropes course, would be beneficial to our group."
             "Ok, great. Thanks, Anika... Do you ever talk to your dad about our company? What does he think?"
             "Um...... no?"
             Bulgy-eyed silence.
             "I mean, I talk to him occasionally about work, but not anything too specific."
             "Does he think we should have a team building workshop? Have you talked to him about it?"
             "What? I don't know. I've never asked him."
             Blank stare.
             "I'm not sure if he ever did workshops at his company. I suppose he did? Probably not a ropes course... I'm really not sure."
             Silence.
             "No....... I'm not sure what you....... No. No? No........ I'm sorry?"
             "...Alright. Next, what are your objectives for this year?"

I'll end with a quote I just heard from my co-worker as she passed by my office:
4:45 PM on a Wednesday: "Why are there so many people here? It's 5:00!"

I Could Have a Boyfriend If I Tried.

February 14th. Just the day when enough time has passed that you've lost the blissful happiness of the holidays, you've finally realized you're not going to keep your New Year's resolutions, and you've gained a hearty 7 lbs because you have actually worked out less, drank more, and gained 0 new friends (which everyone knows makes you eat more because you're eating by yourself but eating for two because making a meal for one is too disappointing). In other words, you're depressed as fuck. Why not throw a Hallmark holiday on top to remind you that you are one of many that will eat a candle-less, rose-less, chocolate-less dinner in front of the mirror again? Knowing that all over the country (does Valentine's Day exist in other countries?) guys are getting it in and girls are being told "I love you" in the form of a stuffed bear in order for the former to happen.  

Today, is the #1 day of the year during which I avoid Facebook at all costs. Forgetting the date, I reported in to my beloved Book this morning and was slapped in the face with about 4.6 million muploads of roses, bears, candies, and balloons with captions like, "MY GUY IS THE GREATEST" or, "Roses- check. Chocolate- check. Best Boyfriend in the WORLD- check!!!!!!!!!" Eat a fart. Your boyfriend is a) probably boring and b) probably lacking in other areas because you find it necessary to reassure all of Facebook that your boyfriend cares enough to spend $10.99 on a stuffed bear that sings "My Girl" that you will throw away after way too long.

My one and only Valentine was from a (female) co-worker. It consisted of a Raspberry Hershey Kiss (obviously a late night Feb. 13 pick up from Target and all the other flavors were taken) with a small card depicting a smiling monkey on the inside saying, "You're wild!" It also included a tattoo of a monkey face which I promptly applied. Because of this tattoo, I'd say I've had a successful Valentine's Day so far.

When 5 o'clock rolls around, I am going to go home, make my dinner for two (i.e. get the ice cream out of the freezer), find a mirror, drink a bottle of $5 red wine, and watch Fivel Goes West. Happy Valentine's Day, me.